Another post without pictures... Lo siento
Thank you everyone, for your kind words on my post a few days ago. I appreciate your comment so much, Charlotte. And you hit the nail on the head for what I wanted to talk about next, Noelle.
Last Christmas was sort of liberating. It was the first time I was really letting myself relax about food and starting to trust that everything would be okay. I naturally ate more food (and more junky food) because (a) it was Christmas, (b) I was spending the holidays with Boyfriend-Fellow's family so I was a little bit out of my element (I'm a nervous eater) and (c) because I was on the cusp of quitting graduate school and starting this new, scary process.
Naturally, I gained some weight from that and the past 7 (almost 8) months have been me trying to lose it. Not like I'm always making the best choices. Sometimes 'trying' means feeling distressed and having some chips to calm my distress. It's been a process.
I know what it feels like to be too skinny. Too skinny means I'm not able to focus on conversations. Too skinny means the stairs seem like a challenge for my weak legs. Too skinny means I don't want to go out with friends because I am afraid of being tempted by the calories (and I'm tired). So for anyone who may be worried, I took all of the too skinny clothes out of my closet and donated them. I'm not going back to too skinny But, there is a good size for my body where I feel great. Energetic, focused, alert and ambitious. I've been there when I was eating healthy but hadn't gone too far. I was there when I was doing well eating intuitively but hadn't gained the Christmas weight. That's where I'm heading. And all of the clothes in my closet that I've kept are from that time.
But everything is now complicated by my disordered eating. When I decide to buckle down and lose the weight (again, just to get to my happy body place), I have this deep fear of going too far. Yet I can't stay here, wearing the same 5 dresses day in and day out and feeling not at my best.
Every time I'm faced with 'bad' food, I have a variation of these too thoughts...
"Don't eat that, you're trying to be healthier remember?"
"You'd better eat that to prove that you've conquered this disorder and show that you can eat what you want."
It's exhausting. How am I supposed to lose weight without discipline. And how am I supposed to be disciplined when I have a history of abusing that power? Is forgoing chocolate loving myself by making a healthy choice? Or is it loving myself to allow myself to eat chocolate. I know the answer is that it's all a balance but where is the line? Sometimes I wish that someone would draw me a line I could trust in.