Sunday, July 8, 2012

Beauty in Chaos

I'm learning a big lesson in giving up control.
(How many more times am I gonna have to learn this?)

Before I moved last Saturday, I had painted myself in a dark little corner.
I was uptight, discontent.... you name it. A shadow of myself. Living a shadow of a life.

It centered around control issues that I'm not going to go more in depth about just now but suffice to say, I was making sure I was going to bed and waking up at the right time. Working the right amount of hours. Exercising exactly the right amount. Eating right. And if I deviated from any of those things, it'd send me into a spiral.  Feeling discontent, I would try to reign in a tighter control on my life ("I must not be getting enough sleep" or "Of course I feel cranky, I ate too much sugar").

How did I figure out what was 'right' for myself? From magazines, blogs, internet, word-of-mouth... Anyone but me. I was going to bed when I wasn't tired, waking when I was a zombie, eating when I was full, not eating when I was hungry...

Then I moved. It was exactly the jolt I needed.

I found myself suddenly in an area of culture (I had been living on campus... blech). Breath of fresh air.
I moved in on Saturday, which was a ton of work but I was so happy. I love moving. That happiness bubbled over and caused me to do something I wouldn't have dreamed of just a week before... At 10pm (um, bedtime), I got OUT of my PJs, showered the moving stank off and went out to my friend's birthday party. And had a drink (heavens to Betsy!) I didn't get home until almost 2am.
Tuesday night, I again went out late to another friend's birthday party. There I made FRIENDS. Like, found myself deeply connecting with people.  Not just surface conversations. I didn't get home until 1:30 am-ish.
Wednesday we went to not one, but TWO parties for the 4th of July.
Thursday was date night with Boyfriend-Fellow. I had a glass of wine with dinner (rare for me). I didn't sleep until midnight.
Friday I went out to a concert and dancing with one of my new friends I met on Tuesday (I didn't get home until 1:30 am).
Saturday, I went downtown for drinks and dancing with Boyfriend-Fellow and his out-of-town friend.

That's 6 out of the last 8 days that I've not done my usual boring evening-at-home routine!

I am no longer constraining myself to what's 'right'.  That's not to say that I'm specifically doing things that are bad. I don't drink to excess, I still choose healthier food (and eat when I'm hungry), I let myself sleep in extra to get enough rest....

I'm just not living by rules.

I am LIVING.

And I've never felt better.

5 comments:

  1. It can be SO hard to give up control, go with the flow, and just remember to live life and enjoy each moment. But it truly is the way to happiness :)

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  2. Giving up control is a hard one...and as for how many times, I think all of us have to learn it too many times throughout our lifetime! The thing is, learning to live in the moment in a healthy way really is worth it.

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  3. Here's to living life and living it large! Way to go sweetheart.

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  4. Great lesson that I have to learn over and over as well.

    Also: Cutest. Photo. Ever.

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