|Littlest is pretty cute when she's grumpy. Not all of us are so lucky.|
I'm starting to learn, though, how to inwardly check and give my body what it needs when it needs it.
If only it were so easy for my metaphysical hunger.
My spiritual hunger is exactly the same but on a grand scale. I definitely know what real intense hunger for God is. I feel it when my world crumbles. I feel the pangs then, oh yes I do. But those times are few and far between, thankgoodness. It's the day-by-day that's bringing me down. Slowly those days increase in number where I'm 'too busy' for my daily bible readings or realize the sun has set without me so much as thanking God for being alive. The grand scale lethargy and the grand scale brattiness start to creep up. I find so many other things to blame it on....
"I don't feel like being pleasant because I'm tired."
"I'm upset because one person was rude to me this morning and it threw off my day!"
"I'm mad at you because you said such-and-such!"
Blaming is easier, much easier, than humbling myself. Than realizing I've failed again. Because somehow, I have it firmly lodged in my head that the cycle of recognition (of sin), repentance & restoration isn't something that gets repeated. I felt like once I've been restored, I can't afford to slip again. To do so would use up my limited get out of jail free cards.
Does anyone else struggle with this? That awful feeling of limited (and also, never fully complete) forgiveness? Where does that idea COME FROM? And why can't I shake free of it?
I am floundering to find an ending for this post but maybe that's because this is a beginning and I shouldn't treat it as anything else....